A Lot of Fight Left In Me

So I know it's been a while since I posted, and even longer since I've created something new. However, I finally got inspiration that just wouldn't go away and had the means and opportunity to act on it.

I know this is sort of poppish song, but that just meant I kept hearing it on the radio over and over. Every time I listened, the characters in Pacific Rim would come into my mind. Not all fights are physical, or against giant otherworldly creatures like they faced in the move. Sometimes it's pain from our past that we must fight, other times it's aspects of ourselves that would tear us down if unopposed. Not all conflict is a bad thing. Sometimes people fear confrontation. As someone that suffers from anxiety now, I can understand why. But sometimes it needs to happen. It's still a form of communication. It says something about our needs, and sometimes we're only heard if we take that step and fight for what we need or want. Like Raleigh said before his sparring with Mako, it's not just a fight, it's a dialogue. 

Anyway I hope you enjoy. I had a lot of fun putting it together. And it was a nice exercise in editting action. 

  

Congratulations?

As some of you may or may not be aware, I'm in the middle of getting a divorce. I've been separated for three years now, and I suspect many thought I already was divorced. There's a variety of reasons I found it difficult to just jump into getting my divorce done right away. But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

As of a couple of weeks ago papers were signed, witnessed by a notary, and sent to my lawyer for filing. I'm waiting for confirmation any day now that the judge has signed the final judgement and I am a legally single person again.

I have told some people and gotten slightly varied reactions. They have been largely positive with some expressing relief that things are progressing smoothly while others have congratulated me.

While I understand the spirit with which congratulations are being given, after time and reflection I find it an odd thing to say under the circumstances.

I understand things got bad at the end, and it is a relief to be out of the situation I was in. No one knows better than I, who lived through it. However that doesn't change the fact that once upon a time, this person was my best friend and someone that made me happy. It doesn't change the fact that divorce signifies the end of what used to be the closest relationship possible between two people.

I'll be relieved when it's done. I don't regret my decision. It needed to be made. I'm finally ready to let go of the past, although being ready to fully move on may be a long time in coming. I understand in a situation like mine it's hard to know what to say, but I wish that people understood that despite everything, I'm not happy that it came to this.

New Series: Who Did It Best [WDIB]: You're Beautiful

So I've decided to start a new series in my blog. Most of us are likely familiar with shows such as The Office which originated in the UK, but have been adapted for American audiences. Similarly I've noticed that often if there is a popular manga or drama that's created in one country, others will eventually follow with their own versions. In this new series "Who did it best?" I'll look at each of the shows and offer my opinions on ultimately who created the best version.

Naturally it's difficult to discuss this topic without getting into some spoilers. If this bothers you or you'd prefer to remain unspoiled then I would turn back now, or you can feel free to skip ahead to the end where I make my final judgement.

There are several shows I could have chosen from, but I'm going to start with one of my favorites.

Plot Synopsis

You're Beautiful in all its iterations follows the story of a young woman who is reluctantly pulled into helping out her twin brother, by temporarily taking his place in the band A.N.Jell. In addition to helping her brother get his big break, her hope is that new found stardom may lead to a reunion with her birth mother. 

She is welcomed warmly by all the band members with the exception of the lead singer. He is irritated by her clumsiness, but grudgingly accepts her into the band due to her talent. He soon discovers her secret however and must choose between helping her continue and revealing her true identity.

For future reference You're Beautiful is Korea's version and the original, Ikemen desu ne is Japan's contribution, and Taiwan's Fabulous Boys just finished airing.    

Characters

(Please note: For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to the characters by their original Korean names unless I am comparing or contrasting the different versions. Then I will use whichever names are applicable.)

        Go Mi Nyu/Go Mi Nam                                Miko/Mio                           Gao Mei Nu/Gao Mei Nan

Go Mi Nyu is the main character. She and her brother, Go Mi Nam, were orphaned at a young age. He has pursued a career in music, and she is in training to become a nun. She is also musically talented and when the need arises, she is able to take his place in the band. Though the lead singer is cold and antagonistic towards her in the beginning, she eventually begins to fall for him. She tends to be clumsy and a bit slow witted at times, however she is loyal and has strong determination. 

My pick: Tie between Go Mi Nyu & Gao Mei Nu

I feel like each version brought something likable to the character. While I enjoyed watching Cheng Yu Xi's Gao Mei Nu, I think Korea's Park Shin Hye made the most convincing boy out of all three. While Takimoto Miori did a fine job as Miko, I think my impression of her suffered due to the inconsistent tone of the show. Most Asian dramas tend to mix a bit of the ridiculous in with the drama for comic effect. However in the Korean and Taiwanese versions it seemed like there was more of a separation of the silly and the serious. Miko sometimes felt more like a caricature of the person she was supposed to be. 

            Hwang Tae Kyung                                  Ren                                  Huang Tai Jing     

Tae Kyung is the lead singer of A.N.Jell. He is a talented musician and songwriter. He is extremely popular with his fans, however in his personal life  he tends to be short-tempered and cold toward others. He is the second member of the band to realize Mi Nyu's secret. Although he originally wanted her kicked out of the band, he ends up helping her out of bad situations, and he eventually comes to accept her. He is intelligent and generally perceptive, except when it comes to relationships and his own feelings. 

My pick: Tie between Hwang Tae Kyung and Huang Tai Jing

But Ren is too pretty to not be chosen! (j/k) This was one of the hardest for me to decide honestly. Tae Kyung is the original, and Jang Geun Suk was amazing. I remember the first time I watched it, feeling exactly like Mi Nyu the first time we see him really smile. I was sort of blown away at how he could be so sour one moment and then he had this smile that just transformed him completely. Jiro Wang as Huang Tai Jing managed to actually one-up Tae Kyung in a few areas, however there were a few changes to his characterization that I didn't like. Tae Kyung could be occasionally aggressive, and though he was very cold to people around him, but in reality he really cared about his band mates. Tai Jing on the other hand was perhaps less petulant than Tae Kyung, but he was even more petty when handling his jealousy, and tended to be slightly more aggressive than Tae Kyung. 

Kang Shin Woo                                Shu                                     Jiang Xin Yu

Shin Woo is actually the first band member to realize Mi Nam's secret, though chooses to keep his discovery from her. He is warm and caring and quickly becomes interested in Mi Nam, however timing is never really in his favor and arguably his lack of openness likely contributes to his feelings going unrequited. His friendship with her however does lead to certain misunderstandings among others in the band. 

My pick: Kang Shin Woo

In this case I have to give props to Jung Yong Hwa. You're Beautiful was his first drama and he did a great job as second male lead. While the Taiwanese version found creative ways to give Xin Yu and Mei Nu more time together, and I really enjoyed watching Hwang In Deok play him, I still find myself leaning toward the original. 

Jeremy                                      Yuki                                         Jeremy

Jeremy is A.N.Jell's drummer and the youngest member of the band. He is cheerful, energetic, and playful. When Mi Nam joins he immediately senses that something is different about her, but he is the last to find out the truth about Mi Nam. Although he initially bullies her a bit, they do become friends and he is quick to be there for her to cheer her up. He develops a crush on her as well, especially once the issue of her gender is cleared up, but he is saddened to discover that Tae Kyung is who she loves. 

My pick: Jeremy (Lee Hong Ki) 

Just for clarity I'm referring to the original Jeremy. In addition to him being played adorably by Hong Ki, I really enjoyed his version of Jeremy's personality the most. The Taiwanese Jeremy was very close and I liked him a lot, but in this case I have to go with the original. Yuki again suffers from not carrying a lot of dramatic weight. In both the Taiwanese and Korean, even though you know he stands no chance at winning the girl, it still feels sad when he finds out the truth. With Yuki I felt...nothing. 

Yoo He Yi                                   Nana                                   Liu Xin Ning

Yoo He Yi is a much loved celebrity who is considered the "National fairy." To most she projects a sweet and kind demeanor, but that's an act. She sets her sights on Tae Kyung, but he quickly sees through her lies and rebuffs her attention. She's highly manipulative however and manages to uncover the truth about Mi Nyu. She uses this information to force Tae Kyung to cooperate with her demands, or else. 

My pick: Nana

So we're finally getting to the "bad guys" of this drama. While I would normally go with the character that I felt happiest with I'm going to go with the one that I hated most. In this case the nastiest of these three, in my opinion, would have to be Nana, played by Kojima Haruna. It was very close to being a three way tie, because in all honesty, all three of these ladies do a great job. However when I think about You're Beautiful one of the thing that draws me to it is that ultimately, none of the characters are evil people. Yes there are people that are manipulative, and do bad things, and cause angst and trouble, but in the end everyone manages to forgive and move on. The first time I remembered watching Ikemen desu ne, I took an intense dislike to Nana because unlike He Yi, she felt more malicious. 

Mo Hwa Ran                                Mizusawa Reiko                              Mu Hua Lan

Mo Hwa Ran is an aging singer looking to reignite her career. She is secretly Tae Kyung's mother, though she has never acknowledged him as her son. She blames his existence for the loss of her one true love and while she has made efforts to see him over the years, for the most part she has been cold and neglectful. When she reappears in his life as an adult her agenda is to take advantage of his fame now that her own has started to wane. She holds many secrets, including the truth of who Go Mi Nam and Mi Nyu's real mother was. 

My pick: Three way tie

Honestly each of the actresses who played this role did great. Mo Hwa Ran's indifference and manipulative side made me want to cry right along with Tae Kyung. And I was equally touched by the reconciliation between Ren and Reiko as well as Hua Lan and Tai Jing, as she urged him not to repeat her mistakes. In the case of this character I simply could not pick one over the other. 

Music

In a show like this, I think it's natural to expect that music will play a fairly large role. A few songs from the original are used in both the Japanese and Taiwanese versions, although they have been changed lyrically for their respective languages. Both the Korean and Taiwanese versions had great music in my opinion. In Ikemen desu ne my biggest complaint would have to be the fact that they used so much music from the original, but the one song that in my opinion, *really* mattered, they changed. One of the things I love most about the Korean version is the final song that Tae Kyung sings to tell Mi Nyu how he feels and to ask her to stay. The Taiwanese also used a different song, but they still managed to end strong. 

If you really enjoy watching these shows for the music however, You're Beautiful is still the best. 

                             

Pacing

This is an important issue when comparing these three dramas. You're Beautiful consists of 16 episodes. Ikemen desu ne lasts only 11 episodes, while Fabulous Boys lands in between with 13 episodes. In addition to being a bit off tonally, pacing is one of the biggest things the Japanese version has going against it, in my opinion. 

Since Ikemen desu ne is only two-thirds the length of You're Beautiful quite a bit was cut in terms of content, and what was left over was still rushed through. For instance in both You're Beautiful and Fabulous Boys it isn't until the 8th and 9th episodes that Tae Kyung makes the pig-rabbit stuffy as a gift for Mi Nyu. In Ikemen desu ne Ren makes it for her by the 5th episode. In the 5th episode of the other two dramas, they are still just developing their relationship and starting to get closer. 

You're Beautiful and Fabulous Boys both are able to take their time and show the relationships develop. It almost seemed with Ikemen desu ne that there was an assumption that most of the viewers already knew who would end up together, so less time was needed to show them arriving at that point. For me however, I feel as if Ren is such a strong and contrary personality, that time is needed to show *why* he would change and let Miko get closer to him. Likewise the rushed pace made it difficult for me to see why Yuki or Shu would feel particularly attached to Miko.

Fabulous Boys also suffers toward the end from pacing difficulties. It follows You're Beautiful in terms of pacing for the majority of the episodes, however the last three feel rushed. For instance we never see the last straw which finally leads to Tai Jing breaking things off with Xin Ning for good. But I still find it a fairly good middle ground between You're Beautiful and Ikemen desu ne in terms of length.

While You're Beautiful is the longest of the three, and that can sometimes make it feel slow, it does give the fullest version of the story. 

Faithfulness to Source Material

In many cases the source material for dramas comes from manga or books or movies that have come before. In this particular instance Korea was the first to create this drama, so You're Beautiful *is* the source material. 

Ikemen desu ne is probably the least faithful, simply because so much has to be cut and altered for time. There are certain scenes which are tied to the story of You're Beautiful and exist in all three versions. Other scenes however have been changed, or omitted. To an extent I find that altering the original can be a good thing. Some scenes in the original were a tad ridiculous, and so if improvement could be made on them, then that's a good thing. Additionally some scenes were perfect in the original and when an attempt is made to copy them exactly, the copy falls flat. 

In terms of capturing the feel of the original and being the most faithful to source material, I'm going to have to say that Fabulous Boys does the best job.

Final Thoughts

I guess like most decisions this boils down to what are you hoping to get out of it. In over-all total package the original You're Beautiful still has it all. Fabulous Boys does an excellent job of covering the story, and even manages to handle many of the romantic elements better than either of the other versions, additionally it is the only version to give a satisfactory reunion between Mi Nam and Mi Nyu. But if you want a cliff-notes version of the story however, then Ikemen desu ne would be the pick for you. 

I've found now, after watching several different dramas, and several different versions of each drama, that quite often the first version sets the bar. The second usually manages to fall short because all too often comparisons (fair or otherwise) are drawn between the remake and the original. But the third gets the benefit of drawing from its predecessors to find a happy medium. 

First Place: You're Beautiful

Second Place: Fabulous Boys (VERY close to a tie)

Third Place: Ikemen desu ne

If any of you have seen any of these versions and would like to share your thoughts, I'd love to hear what you think! ^_^

  

Possibly vs. Definitely

Okay I lied, this isn't going to be fun exactly. But wait! I promise it won't be traumatic or angst ridden. This is simply a funny observation I had this morning that I thought I would share.

This morning I woke up feeling kind of blah. Yesterday I'd felt my lip getting a bit numb but hoped it was just one of those freakish things that would go away. Alas it didn't, and I came to realize this morning, the day before our Special Assembly Day, that I had a cold sore forming. I'll spare details except to say it wasn't going to be one of those cute dainty ones that likes to hide inside your mouth where no one can really see it. Oh no, front and center, top lip. So I did like any 30-year old woman would do. I ran to my mother. Naturally she had something for that and went to her room to get it. She brought out a small tube of topical Lysine.

We were discussing what had caused the cold sore and at some point she said that my system was out of whack. I said that was a possibility. She immediately contradicted me and said that no my system was "definitely" out of whack. Y'know, in that tone which indicates this is an absolute and can not be argued with. We then proceeded to have a brief exchange that consisted entirely of non-verbal communication. The gist of it was this:

Me: *crossed arms and shifty eyes* Translation: Yeah whatever, it could totally be like 5 or 6 other things that went through my head.

Mom: *deep sigh* Translation: Ugh I've annoyed her again though I have no idea how. But I'm totally absolutely and without any possible dispute correct in what I've said. Maybe I should launch into an explanation of why I'm correct about how crappily (Yes this is a real word, it is a verb which means "to care for oneself in a crappy manner.) she takes care of herself.

Me: *shakes my head and nods at the same time towards the tube of Lysine* Translation: Never mind you're right about everything let's just carry on and tell me what to do with the stupid tube of Lysine.

Mom: So what you do with the tube of Lysine is....*launches into demonstration*

The End.

Mom and I have many things in common, but some things we're just polar opposites on. There's something about how we're wired to think, that is just completely contradictory. And I think at least one huge aspect of our differences can be summed up this way: Possibly vs. Definitely.

I am much more comfortable in the land of shades of grey and colors than I am in the land of black and white. When she said my system could be out of whack I immediately thought of a variety of additional reasons and filed my system being out of whack in among the possible candidates. And bristled at my mother's certainty that this one and only cause was the definite culprit.

Is this to say I never see things as she does? Or never believe in something absolutely? No of course not. But it should be a testament to how deeply I believe something that I believe in it definitely.

So what about you guys? How do you prefer to see the world? In possibilities or in definitives?

*Footnote: I am not a mind reader and I feel compelled to point out I can only vouch for my portion of the non-verbal conversation. My translation is based on 30 years of experience knowing her but could be flawed nonetheless.

Hemoglobin 212

This probably won't be very easy to read. I know writing it won't likely be. I promise to follow up soon with something more light-hearted!

As most of you who know me well are aware I've had a couple health issues over the last few years. Most recently anxiety issues and I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. Before that I got Bell's Palsy, from which I've recovered somewhat. Most people say I look like I did before, but I know I'm still not the same.

Anyway when I was in the hospital they'd done a lot of tests and in the end the neurologist said there wasn't any reason they could find for my condition. Without doing far more extensive (read: expensive) testing, the best she explanation she could give was that this was a result of stress.

Which brings us to the real topic of this blog entry. We all have stress in one way or another. But I would say most of us likely have a particular stressor that when we experience it, something just kind of snaps within us. I believe I've discovered mine.

While you all know I've gotten sick, most of you don't know what happened shortly before the outbreak of my symptoms.

Only a couple days before I felt the first few twitches in my face that precipitated it breaking down completely, I had to physically get between my daughter and my husband. She'd done something that made him mad, and I saw him chase her down and knew instantly if I didn't intervene it'd be bad. I'm not going to go more into what happened, because, well, I don't want to. The rational part of my brain also feels compelled to point out that the timing of events does not necessarily prove that this incident is directly responsible for the problems I would have later, but c'mon, I'm sure it didn't exactly help things.

Fast forward a couple years later and I'm coming home from the beach with friends. We're getting into our car and overhear a father screaming aggressively at his child in the back seat. The Mom sits there seemingly coolly while I'm eyeing the situation. My heart is pounding and adrenaline is going through my system. I've never felt like the fight or flight expression is more accurate. I either needed to get out of the situation immediately, or I need to go protect the kid. Protecting the kid won't really help anything however since in reality I'm powerless. So driving away is my only option. I hate that I can still hear that kid's voice begging his daddy not to hit him.

The most recent incident is kind of what cements the idea in my mind that this is a pattern for me.

Last Saturday I went out to eat with friends. We were sitting outside the restaurant, it was just us and some other family.* All of a sudden the mom pulls her little boy, around my son's age, away from the table and shoves him  face first into the wall of the restaurant. She beings aggressively telling him something, at this point my ears are ringing and I'm just getting snippets of what she's saying. She leaves him there and goes back to the table. He starts sobbing and she tells him he can rejoin them when he decides to act "like a human." Right because crying over your face getting shoved into a wall by your own mother, is totally in-human. Again fight of flight. This time I couldn't get away. Nor could I fight no matter how much I wanted to smack this woman in the face.

I don't know if it's what's happening that's so deeply disturbing, or is it the powerlessness I feel?

I also want to provide the disclaimer that I know I'm not the parent of the year. Part of why I think these situations get to me the way they do is that I understand what it's like to reach those levels of frustration with your child. So while I now trust myself not to go too far, I know how easy it is to snap and push that line.

I need to stop now because getting this far was pretty unsettling, but if you've made it to the end with me, again you deserve cookies.

But I leave you with these questions: How do you handle situations that make your blood boil? Are there ever ways you can choose to fight and have it end constructively? What if you're in a situation where neither option is available to you? How do you cope without it reducing you to a totally panicked state?



*With the exception of my husband I don't know personally any of the people mentioned in his entry. They were all strangers to me.

What I've Been Up To

So lately every time I've tried to sit and write, I'm unhappy with the result or become too distracted to make much progress. I regret not updating my blog further, or the kids blog, or working on what writing assignments I have. A thousand apologies to anyone who has been waiting on me.

Some of it has been the season and general business. Some of it has been certain personal issues weighing on my mind and preventing me from relaxing enough to be able to write. And some of it has been a new way I've discovered to distract myself from the aforementioned personal issues.

A few months ago I was invited to a knitting party. I hadn't tried knitting since I was a kid, but I like arts and crafts so I thought I'd give it a try. I didn't expect to be quite as addicted to it as I've become. I enjoy it because within a reasonable period of time there is usually a final product so I achieve a sense of accomplishment. And it's particularly relaxing I think because, depending on the complexity of the pattern, I can usually relax my brain from whatever jumbled mess is tumbling about inside of it and just focus on the repetitive task my hands are carrying out. I am able to simply disengage from whatever is going on, and still feel like I'm doing something!

Ian wearing the first scarf I made

Since I started I've made scarfs which are probably the most basic thing since it's basically one large rectangle. But I've also learned to make arm warmers, hats, and even these cute baby booties which I made for my cousin's new baby.

             
So anyway, that's just one of the things I've been up to lately. Hopefully though I'll get to do some writing this weekend since I finally have some time to myself to just sit still and do nothing. ^_^

What Feeds Our Dreams

Every night we all hopefully enter into rem sleep at which point we dream. Most of these dreams we will never remember unfortunately, but once in a while one will stick with us. Most of the time the dreams I remember are random. Occasionally they'll be nightmarish, usually they are just odd, and even rarer are the dreams in which I become aware I am dreaming and actively begin to take control. As of this morning however, my last three dreams have all come directly from things which had been on my mind recently. So I thought for the fun of it I'd share. I'll start with this morning's and work my way back.

My friend Amber is very good at playing with Photoshop and making it appear as if you've had your picture taken with various celebrities. A few days ago on her blog she posted that she was taking requests from her readers and asked that we post the names of people that we'd like our picture with. I'm sure it's no surprise to my readers that I suggested one of my favorite Korean actors, Lee Min Ho. Well last night I had a dream where I met him in some sort of coffee shop. My memory has faded quite a bit but I know I was with a friend who spoke fluent Korean, and I was trying to talk to him. Even though nothing really happened any dream where I get to cozy up with him is bound to be a pleasant one.

More dreams with you please?

The time before that, a friend of mine with a new month old baby had been posting pictures of herself and the baby after the meeting, and been talking about how they're packing for a move. I'd been feeling a little sad that I'm not really in that congregation anymore so it's more challenging to make it over to see them at the meetings, and it's more difficult for me to offer to help with things. So sometime last week I dreamed that I'd gone to the airport to pick up friends and on our way back out to the car, I passed this family with their new baby waiting in a line for boarding. I got to hold her, and talk with my friend and it was really nice. 

This last one is not quite so warm and fuzzy, I see it as being directly associated with my anxiety. A couple of weeks ago I was at a wedding. It was beautiful and I had a lovely time, but my anxiety flared up quite badly when it came time to go through the receiving line. I'm not really sure why, all I know is by the end when I reached the bride and groom instead of offering hugs and congratulations like I'd wanted to, my mind just kind of choked and I wanted to run away. >_< Part of it may be social anxiety coupled with the fact that I hadn't really eaten for most of the day. But anyway, while the rational part of me thinks it's entirely likely no one really cared or noticed that I acted strangely, the other part that suffers from the anxiety kept worrying about it. And so I had a dream that I had approached the bride sometime later, planning to apologize for my awkwardness and before I could say anything she started getting really mad at me about something that in the dream I knew I'd done, but in real life had never happened. Again I highly doubt anyone is mad at me about anything, but it's become a function of my thinking over the years, whenever I do something like that it gets blown out of proportion in my mind. This time it leaked over into my dreams as well.

So what do you guys think? What feeds our dreams? Any thoughts or dreams you'd like to share?